"Hartley Jane"

Hartley Jane is not the real me. However, she is me in each and every aspect.

The name first came from a "novel" I began to write in middle school. She was supposed to embody my personality, appearance, and character. But she was a girl who was desired. A girl who was wanted. A girl who was loved. And the real me, in my middle school eyes, wasn't any of those things.

I wrote page after page aspiring to have someone notice me and love me the way that Hartley was. Different stories with different boys. A new boy in school, a new neighbor, the love of my life in middle school. But with each story, Hartley remained constant.

Looking back now, Hartley wasn't a depiction of the me I wanted to be, she was me. Even though I wasn't wanted or loved or desired in the way that middle school me wanted to be, I was in other areas. Friends, family, coaches, and teachers viewed me as "Hartley Jane" (even though known of them actually know about Hartley to this day). Whether I want to admit or not, Hartley was me. She was smart, witty, loved to write, passionate, and kind. She was the real me, even though the real me was never loved by a boy (when I was in middle school) the way that Hartley was loved.

After I gave up writing, I never forgot about Hartley. Instead of a character in the stories I wrote in middle school, Hartley became the name I wanted to give to my daughter one day. I loved the name so much that I didn't want it to go to waste. However, Hartley Jane is me. She will always be a part of me.

I am taking my name back. I am declaring that I was and will always be Hartley Jane.